Thoughts On Anger
Introduction —— Anger.
I grew up in a family that would hold in emotions and frustrations until the point of eruption. Volcanic anger was the anger culture that I was formed in. Like many, I did not learn to have a healthy relationship with the emotion of anger.
Each one of us has adopted a way to express anger based on our family of origin and on other factors along the way of life. We may have a healthy relationship with anger, or we may have an unhealthy relationship with anger.
Anger can be a confusing emotion. It is also an emotion that can be hard to navigate.
Anger is often framed in a negative light. Why? Is anger only unhealthy? Does anger have any value in our lives? Those are important questions to answer in light of the many pejorative statements made about anger.
I want to affirm that anger does have value. There are two sides to anger: there is a healthy side to anger, and there is an unhealthy side to anger. When we dismiss an emotion as always negative, we end up causing more harm than good in people's emotional development.
Anatomy of Anger
What is anger?
Anger is an emotion that we feel when we experience injustice. Think of injustice as the opposite of what is right. Injustice takes place when we are wronged. When we are wronged, we feel an emotional response. Injustice is a violation of God's design for human value and flourishing. Injustice reveals a lack of equity that we were created for and that we innately desire. Thus, we feel anger around being wronged.
Anger can be a complex emotion to understand. It is helpful to think about the "why" behind our feelings of anger.
Sometimes we experience actual injustice and feel anger.
Other times we experience perceived injustice and feel anger.
Sometimes anger is a response to being wronged.
Other times anger is a response to unmet expectations.
Sometimes anger is a mask for hurt or sadness.
Other times anger surfaces because of perceived injustices that are not based on reality, but are rather based on cognitive distortions.
Sometimes anger surfaces in unhealthy ways because of a denial of healthy processing over wounds and pain from current or previous relationships.
Other times anger surfaces because of frustrations inside of us that we are projecting on others.
Not only is it helpful to ask the "why" behind our anger, but we also need to learn the various ways each one of us processes anger. There are various ways in which we have learned to process our anger. Our anger may look like…
volcanic anger erupting
boiling anger masked inside
slow seething anger spilling out
passive aggressive anger leaking out
red face and elevated volume anger outbursts
Anger in the Bible
As followers of Jesus, we need a biblical theology around anger.
God feels and expresses anger throughout the Bible.
The Bible has a theme about God being SLOW TO ANGER. There is a patience in God's nature that makes Him slow to anger. There is a graciousness in God's nature that makes Him slow to anger.
When God is angry, it is often expressed in response to two categories:
Relational anger. God created humans and loves them deeply. God feels anger when humans give themselves to other gods and idols. Think of this like a spouse giving themselves away to another lover. There is an innate response of heartbreak, injustice, betrayal and jealousy. Anger is a normal emotional response in this scenario.
Righteous anger. God created humans to love one another, and treat each other with dignity and value. God feels anger when humans mistreat, oppress, and wrong each other. This is a violation of God's design for human flourishing.
The Healthy Side of Anger
Anger is an emotion that has a healthy side. Anger has positive value for our lives.
The healthy side to anger can be redemptive. Dr. Allender says that "righteous anger warns, invites, and wounds for the greater work of redemption." (Dan Allender and Tremper Longman, The Cry of the Soul, Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1994, 46.) It can be an emotion that leads to healthy conversations that bring change, healing, and restoration.
The Bible discuses practical wisdom for anger.
“In your anger do not sin.” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26
Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Psalm 4:4
Be slow to anger. James 1:19
What surfaces from these verses is valuable wisdom for understanding the healthy side of anger.
Processing our anger in a healthy and timely manner is wise.
Reflection about the reality and circumstances that prompted anger is wise.
Slowness to anger is wise and healthy.
Self-control is a virtue that should be practiced alongside of anger.
The Unhealthy Side of Anger
Anger is an emotion that has an unhealthy side. Anger can be internally and externally damaging.
Dr. Gary Collins offers a valuable perspective on the destructive side of anger, explaining that "anger clearly can get out of control and cause a variety of problems, including vengeance, verbal and physical abuse, and passive aggression." (Dr. Gary Collins, Christian Counseling, Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2007.) It can be an emotion that leads to damage and destruction in our relationships.
The Bible warns about the destructive elements of anger.
Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:20
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Romans 12:17
Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. Romans 12:19
What surfaces from these verses is insightful for understanding the unhealthy side of anger.
Anger does not always lead to right and healthy relational interactions that God created for human flourishing.
Anger that is characterized by the loss of self-control is unhealthy and damaging.
Taking vengeance into our own hands is not the way of Jesus.
Rather than taking revenge, we should be patient in letting justice play out in due time.
Processing Anger
Understanding anger should lead to one final step--learning how to process anger in a healthy manner. So here are practices that are helpful for processing anger.
Acknowledge your anger. Denying our anger is not a healthy way to process anger. Anger is a real emotion that we need to admit exists in all of us.
Take time to reflect on the situation. Why am a feeling hurt? Why am I feeling angry? Is my anger a response to perceived injustice or real injustice? Am I projecting my own disappointments or frustrations on others?
Allow yourself time to cool down. A healthy cool down period is a great way to practice being slow to anger.
Take time for self-reflection. How can I respond in a healthy manner? How can I communicate what I am feeling? Have I contributed to my frustration and anger?
Communicate in a honest, self-controlled and healthy manner. A rule of thumb for communication when feeling frustrated or angry is to take time to cool down, and then approach the situation by communicating in a manner that is self-controlled, clear and kind.
Be aware of the roots of anger embedding and rooting in your soul. Anger is designed to pass through us. Anger is not designed to permanently embed and root inside of us. When we allow anger to embed inside of us, it becomes unhealthy for the well-being of our soul.
Choose to forgive. Sometimes we resist forgiveness because we misunderstand the nature of it. Forgiveness does not absolve the wrong. Forgiveness does not dismiss the wrong. Forgiveness does not immediately heal all of the damage. Rather, forgiveness releases us from carrying the burden of anger and bitterness that we were not designed to carry. Forgiveness allows us to experience freedom and health internally. It frees us from being stuck in a cycle of bitterness and anger so that we can move forward in emotional and relational health.
It is important for you to know that it is ok to feel the emotion of anger. Anger in and of itself is not wrong or unhealthy. Learning to feel anger and process it in a healthy manner is valuable to becoming an emotionally healthy follower of Jesus.
There Are Better Days Ahead.
Much Love + Peace,
Wesley, Founder + Speaker