How To Help Hurting People
I am often asked, "Wesley, how do I help my friend or family member who is suffering?"
This is a great question. It reveals an intent to learn and gain wisdom so that you can be the right person to those who are suffering. Many of us are flooded with anxiety and internal questions when we come alongside someone in crisis.
How should I approach them?
What should I say?
Will I say the wrong thing?
Is it ok to text them or should I call them?
Should I show up to their house unannounced?
How often should I check in with them?
Maybe I am the wrong person for this.
I am intimidated because I am not an expert.
I feel awkward because I have no idea what to say.
We all have a little bit of what I sometimes call, "I want to do the right thing anxiety." You and I want to be helpful, but we don't know where to start. You and I want to say the right things, but we have never been taught what to say and what not to say to someone suffering. Let me encourage you, this anxiety and these questions are completely normal. To be honest, I still get a little anxious approaching people experiencing crisis, even though I have walked with people through almost every type of crisis.
How do we help hurting people?
Most of us have never been taught wisdom and tools for engaging helpfully with people who are suffering. I would love to fill in that gap for you. I have walked through my own valleys of suffering. And I have walked with people through their valleys of suffering. I would love to offer you wisdom and a few tools to help you engage in a helpful way with those who are suffering.
Secondary Approaches
Let me begin with some tendencies I have observed over the years. These tendencies I have termed “secondary approaches.” There are primary approaches to help hurting people that are most helpful when someone is walking through a moment of suffering. There are also secondary approaches to help hurting people. Certain secondary approaches are beneficial at some point in the process of relating to someone who is suffering. And some secondary approaches are not helpful. In all things, wisdom and care for a person's particular context is essential.
The secondary approaches are often people's primary approach. There are good things in many of these approaches. However, these should not be the primary ways that we engage with people who are suffering. Most people are well meaning, however, well meaning does not always mean that people are well taught. Relational care should always be aligned with relational wisdom.
Here are some of the secondary approaches that are often people’s primary approaches in helping hurting people.
The Teacher. The teacher wants you to be learning in your suffering. So they ask you questions like: what is God teaching you?, or, what are you learning through this experience? To them, every experience of suffering is supposed to teach you a lesson. While it is true that we learn valuable things about ourselves and God during painful seasons, we often don't find the teacher approach helpful in moments of deep pain.
The Theologian. The theologian wants to explain theodicies (i.e., reasons why God allows suffering) and wax eloquent explaining the theological purposes of suffering in this world. Rarely does a person request the theologian to come comfort them in the midst of a crisis or painful moment. A person may ask theological questions at some point relating back to suffering, but that is not the core need in the midst of suffering. For the person suffering, mostly likely, incarnational care is far more important than theological explanations.
The Cheerleader. The cheerleader wants to cheer you up and paint an optimistic picture. They say things like: you got this, God’s bigger than your suffering, or consider it joy what you are going through. They often secretly find pain and suffering uncomfortable. The cheerleader may not know how to feel ok with people who are not ok. You may need laughter or a joyful person in your suffering, but you most definitely need someone who allows you to be honest in your pain.
The Healer. The healer wants you to be supernaturally and immediately healed from your suffering. They bring faith, healing oil and ideas about God as the Great Physician. What is often lacking in the healer is a wisdom to acknowledge that God may not heal that person of their pain and the awareness of the damage that false hope can do to a person spiritually. Jesus healed some people, but Jesus did not heal all people. It is true, that when all is said and done, all Jesus people will be healed. Yet, that is not a promise for everyone living in this broken world. We cannot give people a sense of spiritual expectation that healing is available to all people here and now. That is just not reality or truth.
The Resourcer. The resourcer comes with books, blogs and pamphlets. They have content for you to read that will help you navigate what you are going through. While content is helpful at various points of suffering, content is not the dominant need for a person in the immediate aftermath of a crisis. It is wise to consider when to offer a helpful resource to a person processing pain.
The Influencer. The influencer wants you to see the bigger picture of how God may use your suffering. For them, suffering has a greater purpose, like winning people to Jesus or sharing your story to influence others. All of that may be true, however a person suffering is usually not looking for some grand plan. They are in pain. They are probably experiencing disorientation and sorrow.
The Advice Giver. The advice giver wants to help you resolve your suffering naturally and practically. They come with diet tips, medical advice and essential oils. They have figured out how to help someone with your exact condition. They are the doctor you did not ask for, and they have the solution to relieve your pain. I am all for natural and practical help, but it's wise to consider that if a person is looking for practical advice in their suffering they will likely ask for it.
The Projector. The projector is insecure and uncomfortable around suffering, so they project their inner turmoil through talking a lot or quickly entering and exiting the situation. It is wise to evaluate your own inner fears, discomfort or insecurities around suffering. That way you can recognize them before you act out of them in a situation where a person needs you to be fully present in a non-anxious and caring manner.
The Judge. The judge is someone who thinks that there is a just reason why you are suffering. To them, you have done something wrong or you are living out a hidden reality that you are being judged for. They may ask you deep probing moral questions or make comments like "you reap what you sow." This approach to suffering is deeply damaging--relationally, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I would recommend staying completely clear of this approach.
The Primary Approach
There are a few core approaches that all people innately long for when they are suffering. These are primary approaches that every person should learn and cultivate. Think of these as the most helpful approaches to relate to and care for someone who is suffering. This is how you help hurting people.
People need Presence.
The most important relational need for people who are suffering is presence. To be present with people in suffering shows immense relational care. Showing up for people shows a person that we care about what they are going through. Presence is kindness. Presence looks different for every person. We need to use discernment and wisdom in how often we show up for that specific person in their unique situation. Nevertheless, show up. Be present. Presence could look like sending flowers, visiting someone in the hospital, showing up in the midst of a crisis, purchasing meals, making a phone call, sending a text or sending a card.
The Psalms teach us that "God is an ever-present help in trouble." (Psalm 46:1) God's relational nature is such that when we are suffering He is present. The ultimate example of this is the gospel story. Jesus came to us--in the flesh--to be present with us in our brokenness. Jesus did not distantly save us. He came to us, became like one of us and suffered for us in order to redeem us. That is the ultimate picture of presence—God with us.
People need Understanding.
If presence is the most important relational need for people who are suffering, then understanding is the second. People don't need us to show up with answers and clichés. People need us to show up with understanding. Understanding means that we lean into learning about the unique person and what they are going through from their perspective. Many of us have been programmed in our culture to understand situations from our perspective. A person who is suffering needs understanding from their context and pain. Each person is unique. And each person's story of suffering is unique. Lean into their context and uniqueness.
The story of Job is a story of friends misunderstanding a friend who was walking through complex and unimaginable suffering. At the end of the story, Job's friends were rebuked for how that treated Job in his suffering. They tried to project their understanding on Job's situation and ended up completely misunderstanding both Job and God's nature. God said, "I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken truth..." (Job 42:7) Relational wisdom always walks down the pathway of relational understanding.
People need Listening.
Presence is not helpful unless a person listens. Understanding cannot take place without listening. Listening to the narrative of pain that a person is experiencing is essential to offering help. Listening is the most important form of communication, and especially when someone is walking through a moment of suffering.
James teaches a universal communication principle, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak..." (James 1:19) Job's friends were quick to listen for seven days and then talked for the rest of the book: "They sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was." (Job 2:13) If they would have taken the posture of listening the entire time Job was suffering, they would have cared for him well in his suffering. It is better to say nothing than say something hurtful. The Bible describes God as one who listens to our prayers and laments. God is the designer and master of listening. He listens to relationally connect with us and responds to our pain with His compassionate and gracious qualities.
People need Love.
Presence is an act of love. Understanding is an act of love. Listening is an act of love. Love is ultimately the foundational element of all helpful and life-giving relational interactions in moments of suffering. Love people in the messiness of their suffering. Love people in the brokenness of suffering. Relational love is the most powerful and healing reality we have on earth. It has been said that people cause the greatest relational pain on earth, but people can also be the source of the greatest relational healing.
John, the apostle whom Jesus loved, defined one of God's attributes, saying "God is love." (1 John 4:8) God's love is always present in our pain. When we walk through moments of suffering, we need to be reminded that the love of God was the motive of Jesus suffering on the cross for us. The love of God is our example of how to relate to those who are suffering. It is the greatest relationally declarative statement in human history. God loves people—hurting and broken people.
I am learning to practice these primary approaches in my relational contexts. Relating to people in pain is something we learn and something we artfully grow into over time. We can all grow in the loving skill and wisdom of caring well for people in pain. Let's go on this journey together.
There Are Better Days Ahead.
Much Love + Peace,
Wesley Towne, Founder